The Davy Jones Times
by upwiththebirds33
Summary: A fake newspaper I started writing a while ago. Thank you to my wonderful friend, Orion Starsign, for co-writing and editing. I probably won't ever mark this as complete but the chapters are mostly independent from each other. I will post new chapters, but probably not on a schedule.
1. Issue 1

**A/N: Here's issue 1 of the Davy Jones Times, I really hope you enjoy it! I will add new issues periodically, but I promise I'm not abandoning my other fics.**

* * *

 **The Davy Jones Times, Issue 1**

" _All the news you need to hear"_

* * *

 **YAKS ARE DYING BECAUSE OF AN OVERABUNDANCE OF SCHOOLWORK**

By James Norrington

Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Turner spoke to a spokesperson from _The Davy Jones Times_ about the yak problem in the pirate town of Tortuga. Apparently, "The yaks are dying… Word of teachers assigning mountainloads of homework and projects in the city of Jacksonville, Florida, in the New World, has reached Tortuga, and the Tortugan yaks are dying because of it," Captain Sparrow told our reporter yesterday. Mr. Turner told us, "It's unconstitutional, according to the _Pirate Code,_ that teachers assign this much homework to poor children." Also interviewed were pirates Elizabeth Swann, Will's fiancee and Governor Weatherby Swann, the governor of Port Royal in Jamaica. The governor said, "My Elizabeth never had this much homework and projects in school. Normally, I would never agree with a pirate or the _Code_ , but this is going too far. This madness must be stopped immediately." The governor's daughter, Elizabeth Swann, told us that "Tortuga is one of the two major producers of yak milk and meat in the New World. If all the yaks die, then a lot of New World residents will starve because their diet is very yak-heavy. They need the yak milk and meat to survive." She went even further, saying that "the practice of giving so much homework that kids have no free time" was "brutal, unfeeling, and" something that cannot be printed in this publication. Mr. Turner agreed, adding, "this practice must be stopped immediately." Captain Sparrow told us that "if this is not stopped within the next year, I will be very disappointed because this homework thing is nonsense and it never should have been invented."

* * *

 **Captain Hector Barbossa and His Crew to Form a Traveling Circus**

By Jack the Monkey

On Saturday, Captain Hector Barbossa announced his intention to form a traveling circus aboard his ship, _The Cobra_. He says he has been "entertaining this idea for a while… All coastal towns deserve a circus, and what better way to deliver one than have it aboard the _Cobra_?" We spoke to Governor Weatherby Swann, the British authority in Port Royal, who said he thought the idea was "fantastic… The captain has a brilliant idea which will be sure to be well-received in many coastal towns." The captain has said that the circus will start touring in late November. Tickets are on sale in Port Royal and Tortuga, with more locations coming soon.

* * *

 **Do you want to join a pirate crew?**

Captain Davy Jones is hiring members to crew his ship, _The Flying Dutchman_. Apply in Tortuga for a position. Limited spots - don't wait!

* * *

 **Stowaway Reveals "Urgent Message"**

By Tia Dalma

Captain Jack Sparrow, William Turner, and Elizabeth Swann came to our offices late Friday night with a young stowaway claiming that they had an "urgent message" for the towns of Port Royal and Tortuga. The stowaway, upwiththebirds33, told us that they were a representative from _Rights for Enchiladas_ and that they had a petition that required "as many signatures as possible to give enchiladas rights." Captain Sparrow said that they had told him "I need signatures for this petition. I know you think I'm crazy, and I think I'm crazy too, but will you please sign this?" Mr. Turner told us that he "sympathized with this person immediately… I've always believed that enchiladas have rights. They are very tasty, but I believe that they should be eaten at the end of a long, full life. I signed this petition, and you should too." upwiththebirds33 is in Tortuga until Wednesday with the crew of the _Black Pearl_ collecting signatures to take back to their hometown of Somewhere, USA, to argue their case in court. Captain Sparrow, Mr. Turner, and Miss Swann have said that they will argue with them. "It's the right thing to do," Miss Swann told us. "We wholeheartedly support upwiththebirds33's mission."

* * *

Want to work for _The Davy Jones Times_? Visit our office in Port Royal to apply.

* * *

 **Another A/N: Please review and tell me what you think!**


	2. Issue 2

**The Davy Jones Times, Issue 2**

" _All the news you need to hear"_

* * *

 **Captain Hector Barbossa's** _ **Circus Fantastica**_ **Coming to Port Royal**

By Jack the Monkey

Captain Barbossa's traveling circus, _Circus Fantastica_ , is coming to Port Royal next week. There are to be "a grand number of mind-blowing attractions," as Captain Barbossa assured us yesterday. Tickets are on sale in Port Royal and Tortuga.

* * *

 **Strange "Alien Creatures" Arrive in Port Royal**

By Tia Dalma

On Friday, "strange aliens" arrived in Port Royal. They assured us that they were peaceful, but their attire and accessories seemed to prove otherwise, as one of them announced that they would injure the two soldiers, Murtogg and Mullroy, who led them to the prison. The individual in question appeared to be slightly insane. They gave their names as:

Norra Wexley, middle-aged female

Temmin Wexley, around 20 years, male

Mister Bones, violent, we're not sure

Sinjir Rath Velus, middle-aged male

Jas Emari, around 30 years, female, alien?

Jom Barell, around 30 years, male

Stay tuned for more information regarding these new arrivals.

* * *

 **ASK JACK**

Dear Jack Sparrow,

I am hopelessly in love with a girl, and she finally noticed me. Now she says she is in love with someone else. What should I do?

~ Unloved

Dear Unloved,

Don't worry too much about it. You can't dictate who loves you and who doesn't. Besides, I'm sure you'll find someone else who will love you back. Good luck finding the woman of your dreams.

~ Jack

Dear Jack,

My father wants me to be a baker like him. The problem is… well, I want to be a pirate. What should I do?

~ Confused

Dear Confused,

Parents are great. Except when they're not. My advice to you is to follow your dream. Become a pirate. (Spoiler - it's a lot more fun than being a baker. Unless you like bread. If you like bread, go be a baker.) You're welcome to see me aboard the _Pearl_ to inquire about enlisting. Good luck!

~ Jack

* * *

 **William and Elizabeth Turner Open Restaurant in Tortuga**

By Captain Sao Feng and Joshamee Gibbs

Mr. William Turner and Mrs. Elizabeth Turner opened their new restaurant in Tortuga last Friday. The restaurant, _The Flaming Enchilada_ , was "not a new idea," said Will, who enjoys cooking, enchiladas, and flaming things. "I've been wanting to open a restaurant for a while, and this was the perfect opportunity." Elizabeth added that " _The Flaming Enchilada_ will serve a variety of quality, delicious food at family-friendly prices. We're excited that our dream is becoming a reality." We tasted the crepe-suzettes to see how they were, since the restaurant is called _The Flaming Enchilada_ and flaming things are good. The crepes did not disappoint. They were light, fluffy, delicious, and quite flaming. All the food was very reasonably priced. Also, on Fridays, dessert is free. The formal review is included on the following page.

* * *

 **Do you want to join a pirate crew?**

Captain Davy Jones is hiring members to crew his ship, _The Flying Dutchman_. Apply in Tortuga for a position. Limited spots - don't wait!

* * *

 **Chefs Needed!**

William and Elizabeth Turner are hiring chefs to work at their restaurant, _The Flaming Enchilada_. Apply in Tortuga for a position.

Must be willing to set things on fire. Only four spots are available, so sign up for an interview now.

* * *

 **Consumed and Reviewed By The Davy Jones Times**

By Captain Sao Feng and Joshamee Gibbs

Location: _The Flaming Enchilada_ , Tortuga

Owners: Mr. William Turner, Mrs. Elizabeth Turner

Food Tested:

— Fried fish bites

— Sauce was fantastic

— Fish flavor was not overpowering

Chinese dumplings

— Authentic Chinese flavor

— Advertised as "The Taste of Home," which is quite accurate as they taste like traditional Chinese food.

Chicken noodle soup

— Noodles were delicious

— Broth had a variety of delicious spices

Enchiladas

— Sauce was not too heavily applied

— The variety of salsas provided were quite complimentary to the enchiladas

Crepe-suzettes

— Light and fluffy

— Fantastically flaming

* * *

 **HELP WANTED**

The new East India Trading Company store needs employees. If you believe you have a future in the retail business, contact our manager, Lord Beckett, at 2343 Bad Guy (it's French and it means "good man") Drive, Port Royal.

* * *

 **Competition for the** _ **Black Pearl**_

By James Norrington

Recently the two Royal Navy soldiers known as Murtogg and Mullroy decided to start a pirate crew. They hollered, "Pirates have all the fun!" as they jumped onto a small, waterlogged rowboat with the words "the Gray Goste" painted on it. It was noted by Captain Jack Sparrow that they aren't very good spellers. They were noticed by Captain Jack, who told them that if they wanted to be pirates, they could make a bet with him. The bet was simple: if the two soldiers and a crew they got together could beat the captain and his crew at a game of Jack's choosing, then they would win the _Pearl_. The soldiers agreed. Elizabeth Turner said that the game to decide the fate of the _Pearl_ should be volleyball - with all players wearing corsets and dresses. Murtogg and Mullroy agreed, this time rather reluctantly. A few days later, the teams set up their net on the beach in Tortuga. Needless to say, Captain Jack and his crew beat the soldiers twenty-one to zero. According to Mr. Turner, who led his team to victory, "Elizabeth taught me how to play volleyball a while ago. I wasn't very good at it, really. I think one of the most memorable games was when I was serving and I hit the ball really hard. It hit Davy Jones himself, who was a few [nautical] miles away, right on the head, and he fell over shouting curses. Jack, Elizabeth, and I collapsed on the deck of the _Pearl_ laughing. Gibbs or Marty or somebody came up, took one look at us, and went below to escape the madness that was our volleyball game. I've been working on it, and even Jack told me that I was 'pretty good, for a kid.' I felt very accomplished and I've been beating other people ever since." Soldiers Murtogg and Mullroy are in the stocks with the charge of desertion in the main square until next Friday.

* * *

Want to work for _The Davy Jones Times_? Visit our office in Port Royal to apply.

* * *

 **A/N: Virtual enchiladas to anyone who recognized the 'alien creatures' (from Star Wars: Aftermath by Chuck Wendig) and the 'Bad Guy' reference from Muppets Most Wanted. Please review!  
**


	3. Issue 3

**The Davy Jones Times, Issue 3**

" _All the news you need to hear"_

* * *

 **New East India Company Has Fantastic First Day**

By Lord Cutler Beckett

The new East India Trading Company outpost had a great first day on Monday. December 4th. According to Lord Cutler Beckett, over $750 in merchandise was sold. He told us that "a new East India Trading Company store was long overdue. This is a step forward for the whole town of Port Royal."

* * *

 **Partners Dance-Off is a Huge Hit**

By Jack the Monkey

Last Sunday, a small Partners Dance-Off was held aboard the _Black Pearl_. The contestants were Jack Sparrow and Hector Barbossa vs. Elizabeth and William Turner. Before the dance-off, Sparrow and Barbossa were seen partying on Barbossa's ship, the _Cobra_. They decided to have a toast to their win at the dance-off. They toasted their predicted success so well that the next morning, they stumbled into the Partners Dance-Off - which Jack the Monkey decided would be a waltz. Will and Elizabeth fell over laughing at how funny they looked. The dance began. Governor Weatherby Swann was heard ( _extremely loudly_ ) critiquing his daughter's (flawless) footwork. Needless to say, the stumbling Sparrow and Barbossa unanimously lost to Will and Elizabeth's creative addition of swords to the classic waltz music. Sparrow and Barbossa were humiliated and did not take it well. They began to smash bottles and cannonballs over each other's heads and only stopped when Will and Elizabeth intervened and dragged them off to separate sides of the deck. The next dance-off will be next February for Valentine's Day. Be sure to sign up at our office. Limited slots - don't wait!

* * *

 **ASK JACK**

Dear Jack Sparrow,

I want to be a tightrope walker. The problem is, I'm scared of heights. What should I do?

~ Terrified

Dear Terrified,

If you're afraid of heights, then don't be a tightrope walker. End of story.

~ Jack

Dear Jack,

I like birds. Do you like birds?

P.S. Are you single?

~ A Beautiful Lady

Dear A Beautiful Lady,

Yes, I do like birds. Except for Mr. Cotton's parrot. That thing is annoying. And yes, I am single. Meet me at _The Faithful Bride_ at 9PM.

~ Jack

* * *

" **Cheese Pearl of the World" Found by Royal Soldiers**

By Captain Sao Feng

Royal soldiers Murtogg and Mullroy have found the "Cheese Pearl of the World" while searching for breakfast in the town of Port Royal, Jamaica. On a seemingly normal morning, Murtogg and Mullroy had asked Lord Cutler Beckett for a raise, but they were refused. They came back and went to the market for breakfast, where they found the huge cheese pearl. Mullroy saw it in a vendor's stall and brought it to Murtogg, where the two were amazed at its size, beauty, and delicious taste. Lord Cutler Beckett says that "these soldiers do not, I repeat, do not deserve this… they are lazy bums who want nothing but food." In response to this, Captain Jack Sparrow said, "Murtogg and Mullroy are strange, annoying, and irresponsible… in other words, great people. I believe that they should receive credit for their amazing discovery."

Stay tuned for more information about the "Cheese Pearl of the World."

* * *

 **Volunteers Needed for Pirate Festival**

The Pirate Festival, to be held next Tuesday through Saturday in Tortuga. Volunteers needed. They will be paid in money, rum, or both.

* * *

 **Jack Sparrow Attacked by French Women with Guillotines**

By Angelica Teach

Last Wednesday, Captain Jack Sparrow was violently (and hilariously) attacked by three French women brandishing guillotines. The event was described to me by my good friend, Tia Dalma, who claimed that the women were led by a drunk, badly disguised Hector Barbossa. Also seen leading the mob were Mrs. Elizabeth Turner, in disguise, and the strange alien creature thing known as Mister Bones, the latter of whom was shouting "death to the riff raff." The wild horde of females tried to no avail to tie down and guillotine Jack to death, chasing him around Port Royal, through William Turner's smithy, and through the marketplace (disturbing a great number of chickens). Needless to say, they were not successful. Lord Cutler Beckett and the fearsome ghost of Blackbeard have said that "this is not fair… we should be the ones to dispense justice upon Sparrow." The women disagreed, saying that Jack had broken their hearts and they demanded their guillotine-filled version of justice. Mrs. Turner simply said that "Jack is irritating and I wanted something to do. End of story." Captain Barbossa was too drunk to do much of anything. He escaped by stealing a guard's uniform and telling the other guards that he was on an important mission for the East India Company. The other guards, Murtogg and Mullroy, believed him. They are in the stocks (again) until next Thursday.

* * *

 **Pirate Festival To Be Held in Two Weeks**

By Tia Dalma

The first ever Pirate festival is to be held on Monday, January 1st to celebrate the new year. The idea was proposed by Captain Jack Sparrow and William Turner after a successful volleyball game in Tortuga. They decided that there should be something to celebrate the new year, pirates, and rum. Obviously. Will told us that "this will be a great opportunity to have some fun and eat food. _The Flaming Enchilada_ will have a booth with a full sampler of delicious things to try. We look forward to meeting everyone and letting them taste the different dishes we have to offer." Highlights of the festival will include a Ferris wheel, a dunk tank, a rum-drinking contest, and a raffle. It is sure to be a fantastic event.

* * *

Want to work for _The Davy Jones Times_? Visit our office in Port Royal to apply.

* * *

 **A/N: The Cheese Pearl of the World article came from a literature assignment where I had to write a news article about The Pearl by John Steinbeck. Mister Bones is from Star Wars: Aftermath. I would love reviews from you all!  
**


	4. Issue 4

**The Davy Jones Times, Issue 4**

" _All the news you need to hear"_

* * *

 **Sadly Postponed, Pirate Festival is Still a Huge Success**

By Tia Dalma

The first ever Pirate Festival was held on Friday, January 26th to celebrate llamas, pirates, and rum. Needless to say, it was a huge success. Over $800 was raised for the purpose of ship repairs to enable the _Cobra_ , the _Black Pearl_ , the _Hai Peng_ , and the _Empress_ to stop the East India Company from taking over the seven seas which all pirates call home. Highlights of the festival included a dunk tank ($3 to try and dunk Lord Cutler Beckett) and a rum-drinking contest, which was probably the most-attended attraction. The rules were simple: the person who could drink the most rum _without_ losing their lunch would be declared the winner. The winner then got to take home the rest of the rum (which ended up to be seven bottles) and also tie up the soaking wet Lord Cutler Beckett and throw things at him. The winner of the contest was none other than our very own Mrs. Elizabeth Turner. The next Pirate Festival will be held May 4th to celebrate the founding of the Brethren Court of the Nine Pirate Lords. We hope you will join us.

* * *

 **Hoist the Colors**

Philip and Syrena Swift

The King and his men  
Stole the Queen from her bed  
And bound her in her bones  
The seas be ours and by the powers  
Where we will we'll roam.

Yo ho, all hands, hoist the colors high  
Heave ho, thieves and beggars  
Never shall we die

Now some have died  
And some are alive  
And others sail on sea  
With the keys to the cage  
And the Devil to pay  
We lay to Fiddler's Green.

Yo ho, haul together, hoist the colours high  
Heave ho, thieves and beggars  
Never shall we die

The bell has been raised  
From its watery grave  
Hear its sepulchral tone?  
A call to all  
Pay heed the squall  
And turn yourself toward home

Yo ho, haul together, hoist the colors high  
Heave ho, thieves and beggars  
Never shall we die

(Repeat refrain two more times)

The King and his men  
Stole the Queen from her bed  
And bound her in her bones.  
The seas be ours and by the powers  
Where we will we'll roam.

* * *

 **ASK JACK**

Dear Jack Sparrow,

Are you aware that "A Beautiful Lady" is one of the French women trying to kill you? Also, I admire your work. I'd like to meet you someday.

~ An Admirer

Dear An Admirer,

Yes, I am aware that "A Beautiful Lady" is a angry French woman trying to kill me. Thanks for the tip.

~ Jack

Dear Jack,

I want to be an author for this paper but I am sadly not alive. Do you still think they will accept me if my writing is good enough?

~A Ghost Writer

Dear A Ghost Writer,

No.

~ Jack

* * *

 **How to Run a Successful Business: An Interview With Mr. and Mrs. William Turner**

By Captain Sao Feng and Joshamee Gibbs

 _We conducted an interview with the owners of_ The Flaming Enchilada _to see how a successful business is run. The following interview has been edited for length and clarity._

 _The Davy Jones Times:_ What is your advice for aspiring young businessmen and women?

Elizabeth: Follow your dreams and don't let anything stop you.

Will: Make sure that whatever you do is something that you are passionate about.

 _The Davy Jones Times:_ What made you decide to be a chef?

Will: I made most of my own food as a kid. Even when I was an apprentice to a blacksmith, my master was often too lazy to cook, and I ended up making dinner myself.

Elizabeth: I like food. The end.

 _The Davy Jones Times:_ What is your favorite thing to make?

Elizabeth: Dessert, especially if I get to flambé it.

Will: Enchiladas because they taste good. I also like to make pancakes.

* * *

 **A NEW GAME**

Do you like kittens? Do you like EXPLOSIONS!? If yes you should check out the new game … EXPLODING KITTENS! **It's a card game for people who are into kittens and EXPLOSIONS** and laser beams and sometimes goats!

* * *

 **Cooking Lessons**

Captain Jack Sparrow is offering cooking lessons aboard his ship, the _Black Pearl_. $20 will cover two lessons, and you can prepay more in advance. Limited spots - don't wait!

* * *

 **Singing Contest**

A singing contest will be held in _The Faithful Bride_ on Friday, February 16th. The prize will be $50 and three bottles of rum. Enter for the contest soon - registration will close on Friday, February 9th.

* * *

Want to work for _The Davy Jones Times_? Visit our office in Port Royal to apply.

* * *

 **A/N: Please review and tell me what you thought! BTW Exploding Kittens is a fantastic game.**


	5. Issue 5

**The Davy Jones Times, Issue 5**

" _All the news you need to hear"_

* * *

 **RETURN OF THE YAKS**

By James Norrington

"The yaks have returned to Tortuga!" Mrs. Elizabeth Turner reported to _The Davy Jones Times_ on Friday. Back in October, Mrs. Turner told us that the yaks were dying out because of insane amounts of homework being assigned to schoolchildren. She also told us that "Tortuga is one of the two major producers of yak milk and meat in the New World. If all the yaks die, then a lot of New World residents will starve because their diet is very yak-heavy. They need the yak milk and meat to survive." Luckily for the Tortugans, the homework and project load in Jacksonville has subsided somewhat, although the problem has not stopped completely. We at _The Davy Jones Times_ interviewed two humans, upwiththebirds33 and Orion Starsign, at a school to see how the petition to ban homework was being received. "Not well," upwiththebirds33 told us. "We still have had papers and speeches on top of our regular homework and test load… It's simply not fair that we should have this much homework. We have little free time during the week, which is spent doing extra-curricular activities, such as the school musical, Run Walk, Battle of the Books, and S.T.E.A.M. team. The only 'break' we get is summer vacation because even during Christmas and Easter breaks we have projects and homework. It's just not fair." Orion Starsign told us that "I enjoy school and I know we need homework, but this is just taking it too far." They went on to say, "If they keep giving us this much homework, I will have to transfer so I can live a life where I can have free time." upwiththebirds33 has also told us that they have created a petition to lighten the homework load and give kids more free time. They will be at our office in Port Royal collecting signatures until Friday, May 4.

* * *

 **Singing Contest is a Huge Success**

By Tia Dalma and Davy Jones

The first ever Pirate Singing Contest was held on Friday, May 18 at the _Faithful Bride_. The winner, decided after much debate from the judges, was none other than Captain William Turner. Captain Turner sang a wonderful rendition of "Til Kingdom Come" by Coldplay, enchanting the audience and judges with his voice. The crowd was said to have called for an encore, leading Turner to perform a beautiful version of "My Jolly Sailor Bold." Captain Elizabeth Turner, his wife, was seen in tears after the performance. The other contestants included Syrena Swift in a very close second (This Girl is On Fire by Alicia Keys), Gibbs and the Misfits (Original - My Days at Sea) James Norrington in fourth place (Yellow by Coldplay), and Jack Sparrow in last place (A Pirate's Life For Me). Gibbs and the Misfits were seen talking to a record company executive after their performance, which was good but just not good enough to win first place. After the contest, a celebratory party with lots of food was held at the governor's mansion. After the first party, another was held aboard Captain Elizabeth Turner's ship, the _Empress_ , in celebration of Captain Will Turner's first place award. Highlights of this party included an egg roll eating contest and an enchilada juggling contest. The next singing contest will be held on July 4 at the _Faithful Bride_.

* * *

 **ASK JACK**

Dear Jack Sparrow,

How do I know that a girl does not love me?

~ Definitely Not James Norrington

Dear Definitely Not James Norrington,

I'm afraid my advice would be biased since no girl has ever been able to resist me. Therefore I must tell you to give up and give me her number.

~ Jack

Dear Jack,

How did you first get the _Black Pearl_? I am looking to capture a ship of my own and I'd like some advice on how to go about doing so.

~ Captain Joe

Dear Captain Joe,

Well, to gain a ship, one must first master the barter system. Go to a person who has a ship and ask what they want then get what they want and trade it. For the _Black Pearl_ I had to get a bottle of rum, then trade that for a jeweled sword, then I traded that for twelve cows. I went up to the owner of a butchery and traded the cows for a knife which I used to intimidate a guard who gave me his uniform. I used said uniform to sneak into the guards quarters where I stole a rifle to trade for 5 actual black pearls which I traded for the Black Pearl. Good luck.

~ Jack

* * *

 **How to Make Yak Stew**

By Captain Sao Feng and Joshamee Gibbs

Since the yaks have returned to Tortuga, yak stew is a must for cold nights. And warm nights. And all nights. And it's also really good for lunch. And breakfast. And midnight snack. Really anytime, actually. But anyway, this is _The Flaming Enchilada_ 's award-winning recipe for yak stew.

 **Ingredients**

1 -1 1⁄2 lb cubed yak meat

1⁄2 cup flour

1 1⁄2 teaspoons salt

1⁄2 teaspoon pepper

1⁄4 cup vegetable oil

1 onion, chopped fine

1 carrot, chopped fine

1⁄4 cup finely chopped celery, with a few minced leaves

1 tablespoon dried parsley

1 pinch thyme

3 1⁄2 cups beef broth

2 medium potatoes, diced

2 carrots, diced

2 onions, diced

 **Directions**

Put flour, salt and pepper in a large ziploc bag.

Heat oil over medium heat in a large dutch oven.

Place meat in bag with the flour and shake until well coated.

Shake off meat pieces and add them to the oil and stir until slightly browned, Add remaining flour from the bag and the finely chopped onion.

Stir until well browned.

Add finely chopped carrot and next 4 ingredients.

Cover and cook over low heat for 1 1/2 hours (stirring every 15 minutes).

Add diced potatoes, carrots, and onions, cook for another 45 minutes or until potatoes are tender.

* * *

 **Johann's Yaks**

Trader Johann has opened up a new meat store in Tortuga! To celebrate the return of the yaks, all yak products are ½ off with the purchase of any other product. *All animals have been raised in a pesticide-free environment.*

* * *

 **Jack Sparrow Chased out of Town by Angry Frenchies with Guillotines**

By Jack the Monkey

Last Tuesday, Jack Sparrow was chased out of town by angry Frenchies with guillotines. They sought to arrest him on the charges of impersonating a cleric of the Church of England and disrespecting the wonderful French inventions of parley and the guillotine. According to a witness, Mr. William Turner, Jack was "sitting on the main deck of the _Black Pearl_ around nine last night when a group of about five Frenchmen who I did not recognize and two French women, Paulette and Claudette, stormed aboard the _Pearl_ with torches, swords, and collapsible guillotines. The leader had a crossbow, and he shot Jack's hat into the water. Naturally, Jack was furious and began throwing a tantrum. The lead Frenchman laughed and began to wave his torch and sing… I did not hear what they were singing, but they were dancing on a table and there was a small man singing something along the lines of 'G - A - S - T… I believe there's another T… It just occurred to me that I'm illiterate and I've never had to spell it out loud befoooooore! GASTON!' Naturally, I was terribly confused, but I went out on deck to help Jack because he is my friend. When I walked onto the deck, however, the leader came up to me and asked why I was here. I told him that I was the captain of the _Black Pearl_ , which earned me an angry look from Jack, and that I was angry that they were making such a loud noise on my ship. He told me that he would only leave if I could beat him in single combat using a sword. I agreed, of course, and proceeded to beat him in a record time of 27 seconds. I then told him to leave, which he did very quickly, being somewhat terrified of me and all. In the confusion, I did not notice that they took Jack with them. They proceeded to throw him in a small rowboat outside the town limits with two oars and two sea turtles just in case. I rescued him, and then we went to _The Flaming Enchilada_ for some yak stew."

* * *

Want to work for _The Davy Jones Times_? Visit our office in Port Royal to apply.

* * *

 **A/N: I hope you enjoyed the Beauty and the Beast reference! Please review!**


	6. Issue 6

**The Davy Jones Times, Issue 6**

" _All the news you need to hear"_

* * *

 **William Turner to Return to the** _ **Flying Dutchman**_

By James Norrington

Last Monday, the Turners received the news that William Turner was to return to the _Flying Dutchman_ in two weeks' time. The reason behind this was unclear. All that we know is that the message was from Tia Dalma and it was very urgent. Stay tuned for updates on this topic.

* * *

 **Jack Sparrow Starts New Settlement**

By Jack the Monkey

Last Thursday, Jack Sparrow announced his intention to start a new pirate settlement. He decreed that "Any pirate who would like to get away from Tortuga, because the East India Company knows where that is, and is prepared to acknowledge me as _Captain_ Jack Sparrow may come to Sparrowtown. They also must pay taxes (to me, obviously) for food and housing, which is communal." Sparrowtown is scheduled to open in late June.

* * *

 **FREE ENCHILADA DAY AT THE FLAMING ENCHILADA!**

Friday, June 1, is FREE ENCHILADA DAY! Come to The Flaming Enchilada for your choice of one (1) COMPLETELY FREE enchilada! Hurry - limited quantities available!

~The Turner Family

* * *

 **My Jolly Sailor Bold**

Philip and Syrena Swift

 _*Note: Since this song is so long, we have only included a small portion of it.*_

My name it is Maria  
A merchant's daughter fair  
And I have left my parents  
And three thousand pounds a year

Come all you pretty fair maids  
Whoever you may be  
Who love a jolly sailor  
That plows the raging sea

While up aloft in storm or gale  
From me his absence mourn  
And firmly pray arrive the day  
He's never more to roam

My heart is pierced by Cupid  
I disdain all glittering gold  
There is nothing can console me  
But my jolly sailor bold

* * *

 **ASK JACK**

Dear Jack Sparrow,

What is the meaning of life?

~ Scrum

Dear Scrum,

Ocean and rum. The end.

~ Jack

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,

What is the limit for how much rum someone can drink in a day?

~ P.T.

Dear P.T.,

My record is 4 full bottles of rum in a day. I don't recommend it.

~ Jack

Dear Captain Jack,

Where did you learn how to fly?

~ The Wheeler Siblings

Dear The Wheeler Siblings,

I was taught to fly by none other than Jimmy-John Squiggleblob XV.

~ Jack

* * *

 **Understanding the Pirate Code with Captain Teague**

By Captain Teague

Understanding the original Pirate Code (as set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholemew) is no easy task. That is why I have agreed to provide an article for _The Davy Jones Times_ on understanding the Pirate Code and applying it in your everyday life.

A. Parley (it's Shar Péi in Chinese)  
If you invoke the right of parley, you will be taken to the enemy captain who you may be able to negotiate with in order to regain your freedom.

B. Defending your fleet  
Only fight to run away. The end.

C. Escaping from enemies  
It is perfectly fine to escape from your enemies. Just remember that making a raft out of sea turtles is generally a not very time-efficient or speedy form of transportation.

D. Port Royal  
Stay away from Port Royal or you will most likely be very dead within a few days.

E. The East India Trading Company  
See part D.

* * *

Want to work for _The Davy Jones Times_? Visit our office in Port Royal to apply.

* * *

 **A/N: Reviews would make my day! I hope you enjoyed the Greatest Showman references in the advice column.**


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